Nine Lives

EuropaCorp

          Has the formal investigation started or are they still building the case? I know that it did not go unnoticed that someone is blackmailing actor Kevin Spacey, right? If so we need to devote some resources to catching this fiend, because there is no way that Kevin Spacey, two-time Oscar winner and all-around bon savant, agreed, of his own volition, to make a film about being turned into a cat. Either he fears for his or his family’s lives, or something strange is afoot.

            With all seriousness, I believe Spacey stars in this film because of the influence of director Barry Sonnenfeld (Men in Black.) Sonnefeld has been responsible for some very good sardonic black comedies, and if anyone was going to subvert the man-turned into animal trope it would have been him. Sadly this is not a subversion, but an abomination. Others who are too good for this include the cast, who include Jennifer Garner, Robbie Amell, Cheryl Hines, Mark Consuelos, and Christopher-Freakin’-Walken. Seriously.

           Not only is this film contrived, over-done, and basically pointless, but it’s also offensive in every sense of the word. It’s not only offensive because it is so plaintively awful, but also because it prompts talented people to act like there’s an overactive dancing cat in the room. Literally 70% of this film is CGI, mostly because the cat needs to be able to do anything and everything. During the course of the film this Kevin Spacey cat drinks Whiskey, dances, flies through the air, and even FREEFALLS down a building. Besides that many of the backgrounds are also computer generated. (Checking the budget for this movie: $30 million! Are you shitting me?!)

         The film tries to be funny, in a bleak, sarcastic kind of way, but it does not deliver. Much like Sonnenfeld’s other venture, Wild Wild West, the film tries to be an edgy contemporary to a familiar genre and fails miserably. Sonnenfeld should have either made this the most grotesque absurdist configuration film ever made, or scrapped the entire thing. Perhaps there was studio interference, and that’s why it’s such a mess, but I doubt it. If your whole film is Kevin Spacey equals cat, there’s no upward trajectory.

       In conclusion: What did I watch? Was this a joke? How much are the blackmailers making off this venture? (I am still hypothesizing there are actual blackmailers tied into this somehow) I don’t judge Spacey too much. He’s had a solid career for twenty plus years. It’s not like he hasn’t dipped his toe into comedy before (Horrible Bosses, The Men Who Stare at Goats, Fred Claus) but this time it feels wrong. It’s wrong that someone with a love of impressionism, black humor, and satire has made a film about turning into a cat, like he’s Tim Allen, Dan Ackroyd, or Jason Bateman. He’s freaking Spacey! Maybe if the casting was different, I could see the humor of this film, or at least understand a little better, but there’s no getting past the question that sits in my stomach like a ball of bile: Is Kevin Spacey okay?