Scary Movies for People Who Don't Want to Get Scared: Update
Courtesy of The Asylum, ARC Entertainment, Warner Bros., and Orion Pictures
I am someone who loves everything and anything creepy, crawly, and weird; the eerier and stranger a film’s concept the more I want to see it. Horror movies are so interesting and inherently entertaining when they’re good, and also when they’re bad. That being said, I do not like being scared. I will not watch torture porn, like “Hostel” or a version of “Saw” that isn’t edited for TV. Gore is good, but not when it’s realistic, and torture is good, but not when I get to see the results. Other people like me are always searching for a film that raises their blood pressure, but doesn’t make them cry out in a panic. To help them out, I have assembled a list of only slightly scary horror films for the Halloween season.
Insidious
While most of the film is decidedly creepy and the tension gets notched higher and higher to great effect, the ridiculous and subservient ending completely ruins the momentum of the film. It’s just a bit too crazy and unorthodox to come off as anything but campy, and while I’m not saying it’s not an interesting and well-made film, it’s not all that scary. You may get a little beside yourself actually seeing the thing that haunts this little boy, but trust me, it’s not as bad as something like The Ring or The Grudge.
Crimson Peak
There’s a lot to love in this Guillermo del Toro send-up to haunted house ghost stories: it has an amazing cast, the period setting makes for a great Victorian thriller, and the set, which was built from scratch, is both visually stunning and amazing from a storytelling perspective. Every frame is beauty, whether it’s stripped of color or made vibrant by the mingling of weird and watchful. While I wasn’t scared at any point, I will say that this is creepy, which is my second favorite modifier for a horror film behind campy. The ghosts themselves are startlingly horrific and created with obvious care by the effects team. I would not be surprised if this film becomes a cult classic in the years to come.
The Lazarus Effect
Released earlier this year, this film was universally panned by most critics, though it did make back its budget and then some. Headed by Olivia Wilde, who plays a possessed scientist, and co-starring Mark Duplass, Donald Glover, Sarah Bolger, and Evan Peters, it’s a pretty basic story: scientists play God, and it bites them in the ass. It’s not a very frightening film except for some odd jump scares and ghoulish visuals. The film tries to be deep throughout, but just ends up looking sloppy. The ending makes for a pretty open and shut film, but it’s not very scary throughout, making it a good option for those who like offbeat but not scary horror films.
Sleepaway Camp
There are a lot of problematic issues with the ending of this film, but it has become a beloved cult classic throughout the years. That has a lot to do with the mystery of who the killer is, but it also has hammy overacting, an innocent camp setting, and absurd and grotesque deaths. While it’s a creative and gory film, it’s definitely not scary, even by 1983 standards. Since this film was released it has spawned two sequels, as well as a re-visitation in 2008, that starred some of the original cast. If you want something more cult film than straight horror, this is the entry for you.
Cursed
This is one of Wes Craven’s later in life films, and while it is imaginative and well made, it’s definitely not scary. Between the horrible effects, the campy vibe, and the monster movie imagery, it’s more of a creature feature than straight horror. The cast includes the always creep-tastic Christina Ricci and then newcomer Jesse Eisenberg, as a brother and sister who start fearing that they are turning into werewolves. Also a good choice is the 2002 film Ginger Snaps, which is also about becoming a werewolf, but it ties into themes of female puberty and teenaged sexuality.
The Conjuring
This film is very recent but has already been lauded by critics and audiences alike, putting it on many best of lists and spawning the film “Annabelle.” The film takes influence from the supposed true story of the paranormal investigators behind the Amityville horror story, and has elements of that 1979 film as well as “The Excorcist.” It feels fresh, interesting, and pays homage to all the creepy seventies films of the past. It has some scary moments, especially when dealing with children, but it’s mostly just a creatively told story.
Universal Monster Movies
While culturally important and iconic in every way, the films that made Boris Karloff, Lon Chaney, and Bela Lugosi famous are nowhere near as scary as contemporary horror. Besides paying homage to classic characters from literature (Dracula, Frankenstein, Bride of Frankenstein, The Invisible Man) you would be celebrating the rise of monster movies. The Hammer variations are also great, show more blood, and feature great actors like Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. Other examples are Creature from the Black Lagoon, The Mummy, The Wolf Man, Phantom of the Opera, and The Hunchback of Notre Dame, the last two being silent.
“Child’s Play” and Chucky series
While the first three films stressed horror conventions, later entries in this franchise were more interested in being completely campy and hilarious. Dolls are just not scary, they’re not. Every time Chucky runs past an open doorway it looks like a toddler at play. The best of these non-threatening horror movies are “Bride of Chucky” and “Seed of Chucky,” which feature the shenanigans of Chucky and his family, who he does not like or want. There’s still gore throughout, but they're super cheesy, novel for those who like to laugh at what they fear most.
Monkey Shines
George A. Romero is probably best known for creating the zombie genre of horror filmmaking. His films dealt with themes of racism, consumerism, and the idealization of the nuclear family, while creating iconic and memorable scenes of blood and gore. In this strange tale of human-animal commiseration, a man who was recently rendered a paraplegic is given a helper monkey who becomes bonded to him through blood. This being a Romero movie the monkey becomes heinous and evil, and her human cohort starts going through stages of rage and paranoia. Though not a horror classic, and definitely not a scary movie, I do have a soft spot for this film, as it explores strange themes on humanity and how close we truly are to animal behavior.
Mama
Andrés Muschietti, directed this maudlin look at old timey ghost stories with a look to the macabre. (As the protege of Guillermo del Toro, Muschietti has gone on to direct the blockbuster hit It.) Most of what makes this scary is the inclusion of jump scares that exist to hide the visual identity of a freaky looking blackened specter. While the scenes with the children are psychologically freaky, the actual visual look of the ghost stops scaring after a while, letting you indulge in the mystery of her past and how Annabel (Chastain) will vanquish her. It’s a very strange, distorted tale that even the most weak willed can stomach.
The Ward
John Carpenter is one of my favorite directors, and he has made plenty of great and very scary horror movies (Halloween, The Thing) but his most recent film is not one of them. While this film isn’t all that frightening, there’s a lot to love. It’s a period piece set in a sixties mental health ward, which fuses a tumultuous time with a grim setting. The film’s premise is actually really interesting, and the unraveling of the mystery is definitely worth the watch. While I recommend his earlier work above all else, this isn’t actually all that bad, especially for someone whose career has recently turned fully to music.
The Woman in Black
This was one of the first releases from Hammer Films in a number of years, and stars Daniel Radcliffe in one of his first non-Harry Potter roles. We really never see the titular woman in black up close except for a couple of scenes, and she isn’t all that scary. The scariest that this film gets is having a lot of jump scares that come to nothing, which is really stupid. More often than not you will be angry rather than scared. The reason to watch is that it’s a tense mystery with a really creepy setting and historically entertaining circumstances. The sequel is much less annoying but not as tense, and is mostly a retread of the mythology of the first movie.
Sharknado
I mean, we all know that this wasn’t meant to be scary, or for that matter good, but it’s still technically horror, so I'm counting it. Not only are the effects criminally ridiculous, but the acting is cheesy and stilted, the science behind this is wacko, and the subsequent sequels make me embarrassed for anyone who doesn't know the joy of bad movies that aren’t intentionally terrible. You could be watching Troll 2, one of the greatest good bad movies ever made, and you chose this instead? Shame on you. So yes, this is a good film to watch for Halloween, but in the least watch it with other people. This is not meant to be watched, and ridiculed, alone.
What Lies Beneath
This is a mystery/thriller with supernatural elements that’s posing as a horror movie. The story follows a wealthy woman who is visited by a ghost who wants her murder solved. For some reason this is a very common trope (The Changeling, The Invisible, Stir of Echoes, The Uninvited). There are some interesting moments when the specter haunts Claire (Pfeiffer) and the mystery starts to unfold, but this isn’t a scary film. It’s definitely thrilling and over-the-top when it comes to the action or melodrama, but for those looking for a lighter side to the ghost story genre, this may be a good film to watch.
Jennifer’s Body
This really goes for any horror comedy of the past ten years, including Shaun of the Dead, Dead Snow 2, and Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. Horror and comedy go hand in hand because each deals with incongruities in our daily lives. This film tried to be funny, sassy, edgy, scary, and weird all at the same time, but it did not succeed in any of those categories. It ended up being cheesy more than anything else and both critics and audiences didn’t like Diablo Cody’s brand of sass. Its oddity status makes it great for those who want to experience the iconography of horror without actually being horrified.
The Evil Dead
This 2013 remake of the Sam Raimi classic is mostly ridiculous. While the original was odd, crazy, and definitely one of a kind, the remake plays it straight, and ends up feeling really uninspired. It mostly redeems itself in the last twenty minutes by swapping supposed gender roles, and took me by complete surprise. While you’re probably better off watching the weird first installment, or the highly hilarious “Evil Dead 2,” I promise that this will definitely not scare but has some seriously grotesque imagery.
Annabelle
Another film in The Conjuring franchise, this B-grade, jump scare ridden monstrosity has already laid claim to another sequel and shows no sign of stopping. Most of the scares stem from shots of the doll, without any movement or animation. You would have to be pretty jumpy to be scared by anything in this movie. This film is not scary because it's tame, but because technically it's a bad film.
Thinner
All of us like to slake our Stephen King thirst around this time of year, but for scaredy cats who can’t watch It or even Misery, there are limited options. I introduce you to Thinner, a ridiculous 1996 film about a man who comes under a gypsy curse that makes him thinner and thinner. He starts as an obese man, slowly shrinking down further and further until it becomes unhealthy. Not only does the goofy premise lend to some ridiculous overacting and strange effects, but it’s downright comical at times. Other King properties that won’t scare include The Shining miniseries, Maximum Overdrive, Firestarter, and Dreamcatcher.
Zombieland
And finally: Zombie parodies and action films were a huge cash cow for five years or so, because they satiated our need to see blood and gore and be horrified by the frailty of the human race in the face of a deadly disease. Imitators tried to copy the success of this film, which seamlessly blended action, comedy, and horror into one awesome film. (But of course we must also include Shaun of the Dead, which is the standby example for blending horror and comedy, and was directed by the remarkable Edgar Wright.) Other zombie films that do nothing to scare us include World War Z (which is just a fucking awful movie that shouldn’t exist, for any reason), Warm Bodies, Scout’s Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, and I Am Legend.
